A wise old man on forgiveness

My job enable me to communicate with many people at the deepest level. One of the common secret exist amongst many people, I noticed, is the reluctant to forgive. My purpose of bringing this up is not to embarrass anybody but to address this issue in a practical way I have learnt from a wise old man.

I myself was guilty of reluctant to forgive on a few occasions and to a few people. I nurture greivances because that makes me feel morally superior. Withholding forgiveness gives me a sense of power over someone who leaves me feeling powerless. The only power I have over them is the power to remain angry at them.

The wise old man told me that a normal life span of a quarrel is 2 or 3 days. If a person hurts or offends you, you are entitled to be upset with him (or her) that long (we are talking about routine arguments and misunderstandings here, not major offences). If the bitter feelings extend into a 4th day, it is because you are choosing to hold on to them. You are nursing the greivance, keeping it on artificial life support, instead of letting it die a natural death.

There could be a certain emotional satisfaction in claiming the role of victim, but it is bad idea for 2 reasons. First, it estranges you from a person you could be close to. And if it becomes a habit, as it all too often does, it estranges you from many people you could be close to. Secondly, it accustoms you to seeing yourself in the role of victim - helpless, passive, preyed upon by others.

Is that shallow feeling of moral superiority worth learning to see yourself that way? (My answer is no.)

I have since learnt to be sensitive to my ability to let go, to forgive, and to seek forgiveness. When I forgive, I let go the bitterness and resentment I carry with me when I remember how someone hurt me. Similarily, when I seek forgiveness, I hope the other party can let go the bitterness and resentment against me. In the process, I felt free and able to connect with people in a much more meaningful way.

In our culture, to forgive (or seek forgiveness) is tough, but it is always worth the effort.

*amongst the first people i seek forgiveness were my wife, parents and family members

**the psychological insight of dealing with hurts were found in the book of Talmud, which the wise old man referred to.