Dealing with "Good Deals"

I had a small tussle with my wife 2 days ago. She read an advertisment on the newspaper on a "move-out sale". Apparently, a Swedish couple was preparing to return to Sweden, and is prepared to sell their furniture set and TV at a huge discount price.

According to the seller, the living room sofa set was originally purchased from IKEA at a cost of $6,000. And the TV was bought at $2,000. Their asking selling price to my wife, who has made a trip to their condo, was $1,500.

Naturally, my wife was excited at the seemingly "good deal", and called me for opinion. I declined the deal. The reason is simple, we already have a comfortable (though old) sofa set at home. We learn not to spend time watching TV, and have gotten used to living without a TV set for quite some time. As the current material status quo is comfortable, there is no need to spend the cash outflow of $1,800 ($1,500 for the used sofa set and TV, and $300 for the transport and labour), and the effort to dispose our existing furniture.

This is the problem of the current material world. If one is not careful, it is very easy to be sucked into "good deals" that will yield, at the most, temporary comfort. And there are so many "good deals" surrounding us. Such temptation is one reason why we find it difficult to save our hard earned money.

*This is the only time my wife listens to my reasoning and agrees with me.

A wise old man on forgiveness

My job enable me to communicate with many people at the deepest level. One of the common secret exist amongst many people, I noticed, is the reluctant to forgive. My purpose of bringing this up is not to embarrass anybody but to address this issue in a practical way I have learnt from a wise old man.

I myself was guilty of reluctant to forgive on a few occasions and to a few people. I nurture greivances because that makes me feel morally superior. Withholding forgiveness gives me a sense of power over someone who leaves me feeling powerless. The only power I have over them is the power to remain angry at them.

The wise old man told me that a normal life span of a quarrel is 2 or 3 days. If a person hurts or offends you, you are entitled to be upset with him (or her) that long (we are talking about routine arguments and misunderstandings here, not major offences). If the bitter feelings extend into a 4th day, it is because you are choosing to hold on to them. You are nursing the greivance, keeping it on artificial life support, instead of letting it die a natural death.

There could be a certain emotional satisfaction in claiming the role of victim, but it is bad idea for 2 reasons. First, it estranges you from a person you could be close to. And if it becomes a habit, as it all too often does, it estranges you from many people you could be close to. Secondly, it accustoms you to seeing yourself in the role of victim - helpless, passive, preyed upon by others.

Is that shallow feeling of moral superiority worth learning to see yourself that way? (My answer is no.)

I have since learnt to be sensitive to my ability to let go, to forgive, and to seek forgiveness. When I forgive, I let go the bitterness and resentment I carry with me when I remember how someone hurt me. Similarily, when I seek forgiveness, I hope the other party can let go the bitterness and resentment against me. In the process, I felt free and able to connect with people in a much more meaningful way.

In our culture, to forgive (or seek forgiveness) is tough, but it is always worth the effort.

*amongst the first people i seek forgiveness were my wife, parents and family members

**the psychological insight of dealing with hurts were found in the book of Talmud, which the wise old man referred to.

Life is about negotiation, never try never know.

I have a client who got into debt management problem with credit cards. The amount outstanding was $55,510. The debt has been 5 years old. He admitted that the problem lies with him, and have committed to pay-off the debt.

The bank has closed his account and served him a letter of demand. After some communication with the bank recovery officers, they allowed him to pay the minimum amount each month, but the 24% p.a. interest still hold. Occasionally, when he missed the date-line, he will receive a humbling phone call from the bank recovery department. He pressed on.

Life of course was tough and many conveniences of life have to be sacrificed or toned down.

My role was to encourage him to keep track of his debt repayment plan.

Recently, he managed to have a bonus of $60,000, and wanted to pay off the debt as reflected on the credit card statement. He called me, and below was what happened:

Client: "Allen, I got a bonus of $60,000. I will be paying off the debt tomorrow."

Me: " I am happy for you. But before you do that, give a call to the bank covery department stating your intend, and ask for a discount in interest."

Client: "Can I do that? My self esteem has been beaten to so low by them that I just want to settle this as soon as possible."

Me: "Life is about negotiation. No harm trying. You owe money to the bank, not the bank officers. Get up and call them."

Client called the bank, and the bank is willing to off-set 10% from the debt upon immediate full settlement. The 10% amount to $5,510, a significant amount to my client.

Life is about negotiation, never try never know*.

(* I learnt this from a wise old man who prefers to be anonymous.)

What we can learn from children at play

While Singapore can boast about its modern buildings, financial hub, and efficient public services, many people do find the inter-personal relationships here difficult to live with. One of the main reason (in my opinion) is our culture of the quest for righteousness over happiness.

Below is an interesting passage I come across in one of Harold S. Kushner's book ("How Good Do We Have to Be?"):

"I remember sitting in a park watching children at play. 2 children get into an argument, and one says to the other, "I hate you! I'm never going to play with you again!" For a few minutes, they play separately, and then they are back sharing their toys with each other. I remark to one mother, "how do children do that? How do they manage to be so angry with each other one minute, and the best of friends the next?" The other mother answers, "It's easy. They choose happiness over righteousness."

Righteousness means remembering every time someone hurt us or disappointed us, and never letting them forget it. Happiness means giving people the right to be human, to be weak and selfish and occasionally forgetful, and realizng that we have no alternative to living with imperfect people.

The quest for righteousness estranges people from each other; the quest for happiness enables them to get past their shortcomings and connect with each other."

Personally, in serving clients in their personal financial planning matters, I do come across many estranged relationships as a result of quest for righteousness (involving money or otherwise). I guess all of us one time or another disappoint one another. It is good wisdom to seek the quest for happiness over righteousness, just like the children at play. Life will be more meaningful.